All Access Pass #1 - Stand Up for Heroes: or, the Ballad of Clay South

[Michael Grinspan]

It was an amazing night last night at the Bob Woodruff Foundation's Stand Up for Heroes event, featuring performances by Elvis Costello, Bruce Springsteen, Stephen Colbert, Louis CK, Lisa Lampanelli, and the comedy styling of - we kid you not - Brian Williams and Dan Rather. Here's how it all went down:

7:10 PM – Your reporter enters the soon to be filled theatre.

7:15 PM – Head backstage. Your reporter meets Inbal Sharett, who sang the National Anthem at Stand Up for Heroes. Turns out Sharett is actually Israeli. Sharett does not respond well to the question “Are you ever afraid when you sing the National Anthem that you’re going to slip up and sing Hatikvah instead?” Save that one for Stand Up for Mensches.

7:31 PM – Bruce “Bruuuuuuuuuuce” Springsteen comes out for sound check. How many millions of Tonys in Jersey would trade their Camaro to be that guy on the left?

7:36 PM – Backstage again with the Norwich Academy Band and Isbal Sharett posing for pictures.

Exchange during the photo:

Bob Woodruff Photographer: Everybody say ’cheese!’
Norwich Military Band and Sharett: Cheese!
Your Reporter: Now everybody say ‘I wave the right to the use of my personal image!’
Norwich Military Band and Sharett: I wave the right to the use of my personal image!

Gotta love that military discipline.

7:40 PM – Head out to Red Carpet. Get within a few feet of Wilmer Valderama (dreamy), Brian Williams (dreamier), and Elvis Costello (dreamiest).

7:43 PM – Your reporter spots Cindy Adams, the New York Post’s legendary gossip columnist. Exchange at meeting:

Your Reporter: Cindy, as America’s premier gossip columnist, any advice for guy starting a new blog?
Cindy Adams: Here’s my best advice…stay the hell away from me and my story.

It should be noted that Cindy was wearing a fluorescent maroon fuzzy caftan at the time. That's right, your reporter got burned by a woman wearing a thneed.

7:45 PM – Lisa Lampanelli walks the red carpet with her new fiancé. It should be said that Lisa Lampanelli, in addition to having the best set of the night, is without a doubt the nicest and most approachable comic your reporter has ever met. We mean, she did call us “gayer than Richard Simmons jockstrap,” but hey, she’s all right.

7:46 PM – Lisa shows off her Louis-Vouitton-heel-and-ankle-boot high fashion combo. Very mishmash. Very Karl Lagerfeld.

7:47 PM – Lisa Lampanelli states, on record, “I categorically endorse www.carolinescomedy.ning.com.”

8:08 PM – Backstage with Bob and Lee Woodruff, Brian Williams, Lisa Lampanelli, and Louis CK.

8:15 PM – Show starts.

8:35 PM – Elvis Costello takes the stage.

8:57 PM – Bruce Springsteen takes the stage.

9:00 PM – What you need to know about the backstage area at Town Hall is that it’s a corridor that's only 12 feet wide and there are bathrooms right on it. So Lisa Lampanelli and Caroline Hirsch are talking when a flush from two feet away interrupts the conversation. Enter Clay South (seen here with Lisa).

Some essential facts about Clay South:
Member of the 3-5 Marine Battalion
Purple Heart Recipient
Party animal extraordinaire

“I love comedy!” Clay exclaimed and then launched himself on Lisa and Caroline. Within 30 seconds, Clay asked if they were sisters, guessed that they were 25 years old, and asked them to marry him 3 different times. And whenever Clay started losing ‘em, he’d just flash that mischievous grin of his and say “But what do I know, I’ve just got a Purple Heart…”

Clay is the exact guy Stand Up for Heroes is all about; serving those who serve us…in Clay’s case, with raunchy jokes and an open bar.

9:13 PM – Stephen Colbert arrives. Your intrepid reporter asks for a photo, and because it’s a fancy benefit, pulls out a monocle to blend in. Stephen is amused.

9:25 PM – Bruce Springsteen walks through with Bob Woodruff and a camera crew filming the exchange. About ten seconds in to the interview, a flush interrupts the shot. Out pops Stephen Colbert from Clay South’s bathroom stall. Stephen declares “Oh shit!” and the room bursts into laughter.

9:40 PM – Louis CK takes the stage and knocks ‘em dead with, for the first time in stand up history, actually funny airplane jokes.

10:00 PM – Stephen Colbert takes the stage for a comic slideshow of his trip to Iraq. Best line: “Here is a photo from Sadaam Hussein’s palace of a throne Yasir Arafat gave to Hussein. Up top it reads ‘Jerusalem is ours forever’ in Arabic. Next slide. Here is a photo of one of our Jewish writers sitting in the throne.”

10:14 PM – Lisa Lampanelli takes the stage. Best line: "My fiance has a lovely penis. It should have a curtain and a velvet rope and go 'tada!'”

10:30 PM – Times Square overrun with Yankees fans.

10:41 PM – Arrive at B.B. Kings for after party. Note to aspiring comedy nerds: industry events are apparently where all of the hot girls in comedy are hiding.

11:34 PM – Wilmer Valderama and Bob Woodruff welcome everyone to the after-party and introduce the Fray.

11:42 PM – The Fray rocks the after party.

Lisa Lampanelli, Stephen Colbert, and Clay South? Obviously, it was one hell of a night…

Want more? Go to the Comedy Central Insider blog for additional videos, photos, and stories from Stand Up for Heroes.

Jill's addendum: "Duh...Stephen Colbert touched me!"