All Access Pass #4 – Patton Oswalt and Mike Epps; or, bootlegs, bootlegs, bootlegs!!!

[Michael Grinspan]

The 2009 NY Comedy Festival was headlined last night by two very different shows. Up at the Beacon Theatre, Mike Epps did a show for the urban crowd (as urban as any show at 75th and Broadway could be) and down at Town Hall, Patton Oswalt did a show for people who like French rats with amazing culinary prowess. Despite their differences, both shows were, of course, knock outs. Here’s how it all went down.

7:45 PM – Your reporter shows up at the Beacon Theatre to find an open air bootleg market operating just outside of the ticket line. In addition to the regular scalpers, some enterprising entrepreneurs decided to hock some pretty interesting merchandise at Mike Epps’ crowd. The top three included:

#3 – Bananas – The good people over at United Banana decided to hand out free bananas outside of the Beacon to Mike’s audience. This was either a very generous statement or an intricately offensive one. Either way, we took home a half dozen.

#2 – Bootleg copies of Michael Jackson’s This Is It – When one of Smokey’s entourage suggested backstage that Mike should get a cut of all the bootlegs being sold outside, your reporter decided to go outside and broker a deal:

Your reporter: What if I told you that Mike wants 30% of all your sales tonight?
Bootlegger: Sure he can have 30%...’cause I ain’t sold shit.

#1 – Obama Sneakers – Some patriotic American was selling “Obama Sneakers” out of the back of his busted GMC. (Photo below)

Note the advertisement on the side.

The sneakers seem to be regular old K. Swiss high-tops with what look to be a glow-in-the-dark engraving of the face of either Barack Obama or possibly Lou Rawls. We can’t tell. Either way, these are the coolest shows since those Grover Cleveland-Air Jordan we saw at Foot Locker. We just hope B-Rock is getting his 30% cut.

8:14 PM – Funkmaster Flex wraps up his set and introduces Cipha Sounds from Hot 97.

8:15 PM – Cipha (seen here with a star-struck groupie) tears up the crowd and hands the mic to Smokey.

8:26 PM – Smokey launches into another one of his legendary sets. That man can not tell a bad joke.

8:32 PM – While Smokey was performing, your reporter - wearing his new NYPD hat (worn to cover up the bruises from falling down a flight of stairs on Thursday) – runs upstairs to get a photo of Mike Epps. The door is locked so your reporter knocks on it. Mike opens up the door, your reporter asks for a photo, Mike obliges. Here’s a good example of two people seeing the same situation very differently:

Your Reporter’s View: Eager young journalist goes up to photograph and interview with living comedy legend Mike Epps .

Mike Epps view: Unknown white guy in NYPD hat asks for photographic evidence of private backstage activities.

The result? Look at that smile on Mike’s face. You’re a good sport Mike; sorry to freak you out. And great show!

9:00 PM – Catch the first couple minutes of Mike’s act and then rush down to Town Hall to see Patton. (Poster pictured here).

9:14 PM – Get to Town Hall just in time to see comedienne Morgan Murphy (seen here) of Late Nite with Jimmy Fallon close. Terrific woman. Very, very funny.

9:16 PM – Patton takes the stage and does – subjective opinion alert – the best set of the entire festival: nearly 90 minutes of pure, unadulterated genius. Here are the five best routines (slightly misquoted and abridged):

#5 - “KFC is introducing a new sandwich called ‘The Double Down Sandwich.’ Right there in the name, you already know that by eating it you are gambling with your health. ‘I’m a let it ride…in my colon!’”

#4 - On George Bush’s handlers bragging about how fit and well-rested the President was, despite his failures: “Don’t tell us he gets 10 hours of sleep a night and exercises 3 hours day. If his handlers were smart they’d say ‘You know he drinks a quart of whiskey a day.’ ‘Oh, well that explains a lot!’”

#3 - “I used to hate my hometown but then I realized, my home town was great, I sucked. Of course people weren’t going to like me. Who wants to come to my and watch me read Harlin Ellison, paint lead figurines, and masturbate?”

#2 - On kid’s dressing up like Remy the Rat, the role Patton played in Ratatouille: “Its just weird to see them in that costume. What can I say? ‘You’re inside me right now!’… ‘Does this wash cloth smell like chloroform?’ Who wants to come down to Uncle Touchy’s Basement?’”

#1 - On the stupidity of using what it says in the Bible to protest gay marriage: “Really think about the Bible. ‘There’s this book I read and I like. It has adventures and monsters and a boat full of animals. And a ghosts fucks this lady and they have a kid with super powers and he dies and then he comes back with even more powers!’ And this is the book their using to shoot down gay marriage.”

10:08 PM – Patton bows to thunderous applause and comes out to take a few photos. Its funny, in the first photo seen here, your reporter did not ask Patton to smile.

In the second, Patton seen here with Morgan Murphy, your reporter asked Patton and Morgan to “show how much they like each other” and Patton instinctively made a face like he was trying to pass a kidney stone.

All in all, a terrific night of very diverse comedy! Can’t wait until tonight, when your reporter will see both Bill Maher and Andy Samberg! Check back tomorrow for the next all access pass.

And as always, for more photos, stories, and backstage interviews, you can always go to the Comedy Central Insider blog.

[Dave Thomas]

Mike Epps is hilarious. Seriously one of the best comedians out there. I loved his new DVD Under Rated...Never Faded & X-Rated. It had me cracking up the whole time. Check out some clips and see what I mean... http://bit.ly/2GPxh6
Enjoy