All Access Pass #5 – Bill Maher and Andy Samberg; or, Burqa, baby, Burqa

[Michael Grinspan]

Well Sunday night was the last night of the 2009 New York Comedy Festival and to be honest, we’re kind of happy it was all winding down. After 7 straight days of shows with Stephen Colbert, Louis CK, Lisa Lampanelli, Dane Cook, Ricky Gervais, Tracy Morgan, Mike Epps, Patton Oswalt, Bill Maher, Andy Samberg, and literally dozens more comics, we’re just looking forward to staying in, watching ‘Intervention,’ and harassing the operator at 311. But we did want to go out with a bang and boy did we ever last night with shows by Bill Maher and Andy Samberg. Here’s how it all went down:

6:45 PM – Your reporter took the train up to 96th street thinking that was where Avery Fisher Hall was located. Nope. That’s Peter Norton’s Symphony Space. Realized the mistake when we looked at the description of the night’s show on the Symphony Space marquis: “Jeannie, who has been in a wheelchair since youth, co-owns a used clothing store with her semi-estranged friend Amanda, while her (real-life) twin sister Lauren is between jobs.” Unless this is some elaborate Real Time with Bill Maher metaphor for health-care reform, we went to the wrong place.

7:01 PM – Show up at the real Avery Fisher hall and rush backstage to catch the tail-end of Marina Franklin’s act. Funny girl. Congrats on the great opening slot.

7:23 PM – Bill Maher takes the stage to what must’ve been the friendliest crowd possible. Bill’s material tends to skew to the left (and to those who can afford premium cable) and as Avery Fisher Hall is located in the heart of the Upper West Side. So it wasn’t so much “preaching to the choir” as it was “giving the choir 100,000 megaphones and leading them in a 12-hour rendition of ‘Battle Hymn of the Republic.’”

7:35 PM – Bill delivers three of his best lines of the night in one rant:

A) On The President’s new stimulus plan: “And thank god we have a recovery plan that doesn’t involve Jesus coming
back.”

B) On the Bailout: “I’m proud to say the ‘Splurge’ is working. Barack has spent $2 trillion dollar in his first year…now tell me that isn’t black.”

C) On Obama’s sometimes informal clothing choices: [Sarcastically] “Obama took off his coat! Oh no! Tomorrow he’s coming in with corn rows and neck tattoos!”

The security guard at the door to the stage laughed so hard at that last one his hat literally fell off.

7:40 PM – The Burqas – Bill has taken a bit from his TV show Real Time with Bill Maher and has translated it to become one of the highlights of his live act. About halfway through his show, Bill puts on a Burqa fashion show. For this performance, the two actresses playing the roles (Emily Morrison on the left, Kristen Harris on the right)

were picked because Harris is actually the girlfriend of the producer of the show. Can you imagine how that phone call went? “Hey, baby, I know I said I couldn’t hang tonight, but would you mind doing me a favor?” “What kind of favor?” “Let me put it this way, have you ever been to Kabul?”

7:45 PM – The girls try on their Burqas.

7:51 PM – The girls come down dressed for a night on the town (Mazar-e-Sharif). When asked how the Burqas are to wear, Morrison replies “They’re actually really comfy. Kind of like a Snuggie.”

7:52 PM – Catwalk seen from "Saudi Arabia’s Next Top Model". (Alternate title: "Death to America's Next Top Model"_

7:55 PM – Your reporter jumps on an excellent photo opportunity.

7:56 PM – Harris scandalously shows off her left ankle.

7:59 PM – The girls are about to go on stage.

8:00 PM – Bill starts the bit.

8:01 PM – The girls strut their stuff on the cat walk. The audience absolutely dies during this bit. Definitely the highlight of the night.

8:05 PM – Your reporter rushes over to see Andy Samberg and Friends at Town Hall.

8:19 PM – Dropping his belongings off in the green room, your reporter is suddenly confronted by the entire cast of Saturday Night Live. Performers present include

The beautiful and funny Nasim Pedrad

Jason Segel (Freaks and Geeks, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, How I Met Your Mother) and Jenny Slate

Kenan Thompson (Note Kenan’s sunglasses…in doors…at 8:30 at night. It’s like, girl, its not that sunny in this basement. Take the shades off…)

Fred Armisen and John Mulaney (VH1)

8:32 PM – An unfortunately blurry photo of Seth Meyers, Weekend Update anchor and head writer at SNL.

Seth decided to perform Weekend Update jokes that had been shot down by NBC network censors. Here are the top 4:

#4 – “A man in Washington State was arrested when police found him having sex with the family dog. The worst part? It was make-up sex.”

#3 – “Researchers announced this week that of the weight gained during the so-called “Freshman 15” a full 6-9 pounds comes from increased beer drinking and decreased physical activity. The rest of the 15? That’s the baby.”

#2 – “According to expense reports, Sarah Palin spent $21,000 on air-travel to bring her children with her to various campaign events. Palin replied that, in her defense, every time she leaves her kids alone they get pregnant.”

#1 – “A woman from the United Kingdom revealed on Tyra this week that she has two vaginas, though after enough margarita’s, don’t they all?” Classic.

8:57 PM – First and only spotting of Andy Samberg during the night (he’s the one in the turquoise shirt). He did a great show, we just wish we’d seen more of him is all.

9:05 PM – Andy’s SNL and Lonely Island cast mates help round out the night with performance of such classics as “I’m on a Boat” and, of course, Kenan Thompson coming out in a woman’s country-ensemble and doing his best impression of Reba McEntire.

9:45 PM – Your reporter heads home, 100% exhausted, but 100% satisfied.

Overall, the 2009 New York Comedy Festival definitely ended with a bang rather than a whimper. So what are the most important things we learned during this crazy, wonderful week?

1) Never look Cindy Adams directly in the eye.
2) Dane Cook secretly longs to be a Shakespearean actor.
3) Don’t fall face first down a flight of stairs (counter-intuitive, we know)
4) The internet has no effect on television (say the people whose shows are continually re-energized by successful viral content)
5) “Handicapped women got dat bomb pussy.”
6) Bootlegging is where the money is at.
7) Patton Oswalt can do no wrong.
8) Burqas are always funny.

We hope you’ve enjoyed our coverage (of course, look for more over the course of the week) and please tell your friends about this site.

As always, there are more photos, stories, and video available at the Comedy Central Insider Blog.